BobMat

Inspiration from ants.

Whenever I’ve had the wisdom to look at ants, I’ve marvelled at how ignorant of whatever they are doing I am. Of course, science tells us what we think they do, but that judgement is based off of our perception about life. When I look at an ant, I feel like a mad person. Maybe when ants consider us (and even if they don’t do that), they have no idea, just like us, what they hell we are doing. To them, we are just giant ants living in our own madness. But I believe that an ant is never mad, in the sense that it never pauses to think about us. I’d bet to you that an ant who would pose to think about us would be considered mad.

A play of madness.

And then I turned to look at the world around me. People were talking—or more accurately, people were making sounds, just like cows and dogs do. They were laughing at sounds and images and were playing all sorts of noises. And I thought to myself: “we might be inherently mad.” I looked at a tree and it was nodding and making sounds for no end reason. I looked at my hands, and I realized that I was looking at my hands as if they had the answer. It was an endless mystery of madness and unpredictability. At that moment I realized that the human immortality, or invincibility, that I had thought I possessed was nowhere to be found at that moment. I wanted an answer, but all I could hear from myself was noise, noise, noise.

This is the end.

I was pissed off by my lack of discipline in my endeavors. Isn’t it amazing that we’ve fallen short of the ideal all our lives? We don’t reach, and somehow we believe that we are going to get there.

The first time I realized that there’s no reaching the end I thought that this notion was an excuse, or a call, to do something now (since there’s no reaching) in order to justify the present. The present wasn’t as satisfying in my eyes. Somehow, deep down within me, I thought that one day I was going to play the game, just not now. Now was too boring, now I was weak, now I hated myself…but somehow the future was going to give me all of it.

But I’ve been playing the game all along.

Your thoughts about the world, are not the world.

There’s no wrong event or right event in your life. Whatever you think is “right” or “wrong” is based off of your notion of “right” and/or “wrong.” If I asked you to tell me what “right” was, and if I told you to describe to me what it was. You would describe it using descriptions, in which descriptions are not the thing itself. For example, you can tell me everything about the color blue. You can tell me that you call it blue, and all the other “properties” it has, but you can never tell me what it really is.

All I’m saying here is that there’s a lot you can say about your own life, actions, likes and dislikes, but those are all descriptions of the thing and are not the thing. And calling “the thing” the thing is a description.

There has never been a problem in your life. Of course there are experiences we wouldn’t love to have, and some we would love to have, but none of them are problems. Everything you think about this world is based off your biases and beliefs.

…happens to everyone.

I’m trying to reach a conclusion here, but all I can say is that all things present in your life is shit.

And shit happens. Don’t beat yourself about it. And if you do, that shit happens too.

Swimming beneath the surface of our experiences is the idea that whatever is coming in the future will bring us the feeling or state of being that we are missing right now. We believe that (literally) a god will fall down on us and give us what we lack as individuals.

We–in a way or another–hate ourselves. We want to change ourselves. We want to be anything but ourselves. We are terrible people. “Maybe that guy over there is a good guy and maybe if I hang out with him then I might be a good person. Or maybe if I get to dress like him or talk like him I might get rid of myself.”

And so we try to do just that. If you like to pretend (more on pretense later) you join the ”I’m cool” party. You let it take you where you think will make you far away from yourself. But, of course you’re lying to yourself. One day it will all come back to haunt you.

However, if you don’t like to pretend, you join a political party known as self-improvement. Something innocent and highly loved by the majority. You–the damaged and damned–want to improve yourself. Its like a hammer trying to get back in shape by hitting itself…against itself. This is the problem one faces with self-improvement. Self-improvement is a ‘good’ lie you tell yourself to feel better about yourself. But everyone knows that in the long run that wont work. You’ll tell yourself you’re beautiful, and you’ll go home and your family will tell you how you really are.

You cant run away from the person you hate the most. He or she is glued to you. You cant control him or her. You can try to control him, but that irritates her. And so what’s the remedy?

You still want to improve yourself by asking that question. But acknowledging that you cant pull yourself out of the water is the first step to it all. If you cant change yourself, you better love yourself for the dirt you are. Love yourself because you’re insecure, scared, and ugly. Love yourself deeply. And then you’ll discover that your flaws are not the problem. Your attitude to them is.

Wait…isn’t your attitude just another flaw?

The paradox goes on.